Diary - Jan. 3

Jan. 3 - Your relationship status and how you feel about it.

    Oh boy. Well, let’s just get this started.

I’m single, and I’ve never been in a relationship. I’ve never been kissed, unless you count a kiss on the hand in 1st grade by my first ever crush when he found out that although I was wearing green, 3rd graders had pinched me. It was St. Patricks Day. Frankly, I’m not really sure how I feel about these facts. While I really do think that this whole situation will make my first relationship all the more special, I feel like that might also be a bad thing. Like, instead of being in 7th grade and being able to brush off a first “boyfriend”, I might become too attached because I’ve never been in a relationship before. I have a similar fear about kissing. Most people my age have at their first kiss at the very least, but not me. I feel like when (should I add an if?) I’m kissed for the first time, I’ll be WAAAAAY behind in that whole department, and will suck. Big time. Then again, if the boy/man/guy that I’d be kissing knows that I’ve never been kissed, 1) obviously he doesn’t care, and 2) he’s probably more than happy to help me. I mean, if he wants to kiss me, teaching me how to kiss is pretty important, and it means that I get to spend more time with him, well, kissing him, until I get it right/down.

    I think more than anything, I’m confused about my relationship status, and scared about changing it. I’m confused because I like being single, but when I people together holding hands, holding each other, kissing, or even when I read about these things, I want that too. I’m just not sure how I would handle it. But I guess that would gradually change if/when I’m in a relationship. Another confusing aspect of my situation is that because I have always been single, I do have this feeling deep down that something’s wrong with me. I know that I’m shy, and I tend to come off abrasive/defensive when I meet people, but I feel like if someone really liked me, enough to want to try and have a relationship, these things wouldn’t matter. When I’m feeling particularly sorry for myself, I say that it’s not a fault in me, it’s a fault in the guys of the world who don’t see how fabulous and amazing I am. But then I feel like I’m being conceited, and that in the end, I tell myself that it really is my fault for being so shy that people don’t even know how to approach me.
    I’m scared about ever changing my “relationship status” because as of right now, I have no idea how to deal with any of the things that I have seen or read about regarding relationships and the issues involved in them. I have my theories, like if the guy cheats, you should probably let him go, and you should definitely never lie or keep secrets about important things. I mean, if you have an ingrown toenail, and THAT’s why you never take your socks off, that’s not really important, but if you have an entire secret second life, that’s a problem. I also feel like if you have any reason to hide a relationship from family or friends, unless it’s your first and you’re figuring out how to tell everyone, that should be a red flag. Not necessarily a reason to end the relationship, but I feel like if I was in the situation, I would need to evaluate and assess the relationship. I’m a fan of evaluating and assessing.
    Another reason that I’m scared to change my relationship status is that I have a lot of insecurities. It’s been said that you have to love yourself before you can love another. I really believe in that sentence, and I feel like I need to come to grips with my insecurities before I could enter a relationship. At the same time, I feel like having a person to rely on (I can’t write the “B” word! I can’t do it!) might help me to overcome or understand my insecurities more. Plus, it wouldn’t hurt to have someone contradicting every negative thing I say about myself and making me believe that those things aren’t true. I mean, really. Who wouldn’t love that?
    I’m thinking that that’s a pretty sufficient entry for this topic, so I’ll end it there.

Bye for now,
    Turtle